I like to ramble but I get hung up on words. What I want to say, what comes out wrong. The moment words take on a life of their own. the many ways words exist; in your head, on paper, and on the screen. Why words become vessels and contain so many different meanings and that very moment they morph. How they give me power. How they break me. I don't know why I don't have a voice sometimes and have to allow other forms to become it.
This all is just a safety net or a facade. Sometimes I'm so fake it becomes real. Faking becomes hiding and hiding opens another door in my mind and out I go. Sometimes I have trouble remembering what's real. Sometimes that hurts. Sometimes it's what I live for. I live in my head too much. I go there for safety sometimes. Sometimes I just want my head to disappear off my shoulders. I worry about not having a head on my shoulders but I'm too cautious to be to lose it. Maybe. Maybe it's already gone. Are you still here? I wonder why you are. I only trust you a little. But you can trust me because I'd never want to hurt anyone. I would allow your mistakes and allow you to grow. But I don't allow my own mistakes. So I can't grow. I just shut off. I should stop this. But I can't you see because sometimes I don't have a voice. Sometimes I use fan fiction to get a voice. Craig Manning is the boy who lives in the back of my mouth. I have his eyes or he has mine, I'm not sure which. I need to start doing my own art again, I need to start feeling real again.

"A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal."
-Oscar Wilde

"Some people are afraid of what they might find if they try to analyze themselves too much, but you have to crawl into your wounds to discover where your fears are. Once the bleeding starts, the cleansing can begin."
-Tori Amos

"Yes, it is all about risk - if you don't, you will be too busy 'thinking/worrying' and not 'moving/acting'. Then it's too late and you are doomed to the 'what if/regrets' and that is not an option for me."
-Hugh Dillon

"People sometimes say that the way things happen in the movies is unreal, but actually it's the way things happen to you in life that's unreal. The movies make emotions look so strong and real, whereas when things really do happen to you, it's like watching television -- you don't feel anything."
-Andy Warhol

"People come up to me at parties and say 'my you're very quiet'. And I don't reply. I don't like to confuse the issue." - Ardal O'Hanlon

Michael Gold: I don't know anyone who could get through the day without two or three juicy rationalizations. They're more important than sex.
Sam Weber: Ah, come on. Nothing's more important than sex.
Michael: Oh yeah? Ever gone a week without a rationalization?

"These songs helped me figure out what I thought about the last year of my life. I tend to write things down first and then, later, figure out what they were really about. In the last year, I got a lot a little dark with some personal things and now I’m trying to grow up a little and not be such a petulant brat." - Kevin Devine

February 2010
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